Desk Jockey

Peace,

So I'm sitting at this desk working for the pinnacle organization in my profession.  I sit just down the hall from the Boss Hog who answers to no one else but himself.  In fact, it is my job to advise Boss Hog on what to do and how to do it.  Five years into my career and I've reached the mountain top.  I should be pleased, right?


Nope.  I don't think I've ever been less inspired and more discouraged at a job.  I hate the politics of leadership offices, I hate the trappings of power, I hate the unecessary amount of hours it takes to make the simplest decisions, I hate Parkinson's Law and how everyone around here seems to subscribe to it--SO ANNOYING!

Ok, maybe "hate" isn't the right word but I assure you I'm not pleased.  I've climbed the ladder very quickly.  In a lot of ways, my career just kind of took on a life of its own and I was just tagging along for the ride.  Bad move.  Now I ask myself: Did I make the right choices for me?  Why am I here?  Where do I really want to be?

I think at a minimum I've figured out that "leadership," at least in the form that I experience it now, is not for me.  Self-aggrandizement, egos, power trips, all of this surrounds me everyday.  But on the inside, these people are empty.  The city is empty.  Soulless.  


Big moves up ahead though.  I think I have a plan.  I'm going to be patient and take it one step at a time.  It's hard to be patient when you want out though!  You start to feel trapped, like your drowning and everyone around you is oblivious or worse than oblivious they are telling me that I should be happy and feel lucky to be drowning.  The whole thing is ridiculous.  I want to go back to my roots.  I want to revisit that core strength that helped me get this far and channel it in a way that helps me accomplish the things I want to do.  Granted, I'm still trying to figure out what those are but better to spend my time exploring my interests that pursuing the interests of others in the spirit of collegiality and advancement.  I don't want to get ahead by keeping my head down.  What does "get ahead" even mean?  It's a stupid concept if you ask me.  The thing I should be focusing on is not getting ahead but instead getting the things that matter done.  First on that list today: buying the wife a birthday card.

Holy Shit: Time Passes, People Grow. Really?

Peace,

I first created this blog in 2007.  I used it mostly as a journal to help me get through some tough emotional times.  At the time I was in law school, in a failing relationship, didn't have any money, and didn't have a clue where my life was headed.  But I was always sure that good things were right around the corner so I just kept on choogin' toward a finish line I could not see and could not prove existed.  You could say I pushed forward on faith alone.

So, where are things today?  As I read all the blog posts (94) of them I had posted back in 2007-2008 one thing stood out to me.  While they have taken different form, basically I was worried and stressed back then about the exact same shit I'm worried about now.  Will I get a job?  Will I run out of money?  What's next? Where do I go from here?  What is life all about?  Am I doing the right thing?  Who does he think he is?  Why is there evil?

It seems to me that in one way or another I've been asking the same questions forever now.  Am I any closer to the "truth?"  The answer to that has to be no.  Do I feel less anxiety about shit?  The answer to that has to be no as well.  Since the last time I posted on this blog lots of big things have happened in my life.  I began a new career with a real job and everything, I got married, I moved to a new city, and lots of other transformative and non-transformative shit has happened too. 

The point is that all the while all this big change was going on I still deep down inside wonder about the same basic stuff and I'm no closer to understanding any of it.  How freaking frustrating!

So here's what I propose.  I'm going to write on here from time to time.  I'm going to think online (instead of out loud) and just type from where the heart meets the mind.  I'm not going to put any pressure on myself to be interesting or to draw and maintain a readership.  I'm definitely not going to commit to writing on a regular basis or on any sort of schedule whatsoever.  This will be my space to do whatever I want.  No rules.  Anyone is welcome to read and comment but I'll do with that whatever I want as well.  Most importantly of all, no spellcheck ever.  No exceptions.